“I do arm weights before bed…”
“Oh God, Show me…”
*does the arm weights*
- NO CHEAT DAYS
- WRITING DOWN EVERYTHING I EAT
- ACTUALLY DOING BODY MAGIC!
- BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF.
*does the arm weights*
You would not believe the amount of posts that I start writing and then stop because I think that it sounds like mindless waffle.
I’ve always been a bit of a story teller. At a party you would always find a friend saying “Rochelle tell him that story of when we were younger…” and I will tell it and I’ll put my all in to all the details and emphasise moments and people will laugh. And then they’ll say something like “You should be on stage!” And I think to myself I could not think of anything worse.
I absolutely love making people laugh but I have no confidence or self esteem. I’m trying so hard to work on that at the minute but it really is a tough thing to fix. How do you learn confidence when you don’t even like yourself?
I was telling Martyn the other day how I would love to complete a task and think “wow you’ve done a good job there”, but I finish something and even if its done correctly and well I still pick faults at it and tell myself I should have done better.
I live inside my head. I know there will be a lot of people who fully understand this phrase but I’ll spell it out for you if not.
I know exactly how I wish to be perceived, how I want my answers to sound, and what I want other people to say.
I have an exact image of how something should be and if the reality doesn’t quite measure up, I take it personally , get upset and feel disappointed.
AND I’ve always been the sort of person who seeks confirmation that I’ve done something well, I’m unable to make that decision myself. If a few people tell me how great something is I start to believe them but I can’t do it on my own and it is so depressing to be like that.
Everyone has always said to me you shouldn’t care what other people think, but I care (on the inside). I won’t let it show that I care but I will go home and replay peoples opinions in my heads over and over.
I know accepting who you are and being comfortable in your own skin comes with age and I am only 24 but I wish it would hurry up.
I’m making a conscious effort to stop looking at other people and wishing I was more like them. I’m so guilty of looking other girls and admiring their figure and their confidence and thinking I’m going to be just like them! And then I go home and wear black and change my hair before I leave the house because “maybe it looks tooooo out there.”
Martyn is constantly encouraging me to dress more confidently because I know that he see’s I pick clothes that hide me. I’ve come to terms with the fact I’m never going to be a size 10 model and that’s OK but if someone could send a surge of confidence or some tips on how to dress that would be brilliant because I haven’t got a clue.
I love Hannah Gale’s style and the way she portrays herself and I just wish that I could do that! I need a little surge of cash into my bank account so I can hire myself a stylist who will go shopping with me and buy stuff that fits nicely and makes me feel good.
It annoys me because it hasn’t always been this way. I used to have so much more confidence and dress however I wanted and I really didn’t care but over the years doubts have crept in.
So yeah, I’m going to really try and feel good in what I wear because confidence really does show. I know because the girls I admire the most know what they’ve got and they flaunt it!
We put so much pressure on ourselves all the time. We are *this age* so *this* should have happened by now.
We have let it slide that people do not marry and have kids at a young age anymore so why are we still forcing ourselves into uniformed boxes of where we should be.
I’ve spoke in a previous blog about my reverse bucket list and we really should look back see how far we have come sometimes to appreciate we have grown and matured and just because we haven’t hit certain milestones that society forces on us doesn’t mean we haven’t succeeded.
I decided to have a look through some old things and I’ve made a little timeline of what I’ve done and how far I’ve come and I’m proud of myself. So here is a little unorthodox biography of my life.
Saturday, 27 February 1993
I was born. Hurray! Milestone.
and also because there is a chance I will get into heaven now and not be stuck in Limbo for eternity.
Now forgive me because I’m going to skip a few years and I’m not exactly sure of any more dates specifically.
From the years 1999-2006 I have added some photos to demonstrate some hobbies I took up and “mastered”.
First of all: Crafts
As you can see I have made a mobile. I’m sad to say that my craft making skills started and ended at school. I’ve never been the most creative but hey ho.
Then Skiing. I actually really like Skiing, and I was actually OK at it, until I gave myself concussion, threw up in front of the school trip and had my form tutor who was an ex paramedic ask me if I’d had a poo while on the trip in front of all my class mates. What me being regular has to do with concussion I will never know.
In 2009 I left School, and obviously that ended with a prom as they do. I went to that and got so drunk I woke up with my head in a bin but it was a milestone I passed.
I finished college in 2011, and I got into university. I always felt like I’d done really rubbish at college but while routing through my photos I found a letter from my English teacher to my mum saying that I had been nominated for ‘consistent efforts in class and commitment to academic success’. It went on to say that I contributed [sic] “very effectively to class discussion and produced thoughtful, reflective work on the texts studied”.
I don’t remember my mum receiving this but it was nice to read that once my loud mouth opinions were recognised as thoughtful and reflective.
Then after that in 2012 I thought I’d finished with journalism at university altogether, I became a pub landlady. For one month i was the youngest in the country until a girl in the village down who was two months younger than me decided she wanted to do it and stole my title. But yes, at the age of 19 I ran a pub. Then leased my own. and for a year and a half that as hard slog. I worked with no day off, designing flyers and posting them at silly hours, opening up at dinner and not closing until between 11pm and 3am depending on the day. Waking up at 7am the next morning for beer deliveries. It was hard, it failed, but I did it and its moulded me into the person I am today and I’m glad I took the leap. Milestone.
I worked in office jobs galore during the years of 2013-17. And I spoke to every type of customer imaginable. I spoke to a man who I’m probably still afraid to name who left me a message on a Monday morning calling me a waste of oxygen because a part I ordered for him was incorrect. In another office job I cried every day for two weeks because the work was stressful and I couldn’t cope. I got shouted at, insulted, and I’m pleased I did because all of those office jobs taught me how to communicate on the phone effectively. It helped me with tips and tricks of getting people off the phone, it helped me be a more empathetic person and helped me learn how to manage and deal with my stress more effectively. It was a milestone.
November 2016 I found Martyn. He’s a very happy milestone in my life. Don’t really talk about him much on here but if you want to know a little bit more click hereeee.
April 24th 2017 I started as a News reporter at Selby Times. I’m still there now and I love it. It was the job I had been after for years and I finally managed to get it. Milestone!
So no I don’t fall into the category that society wants to put me in. I’m 24, in a relationships but I live on my own, I commute to work every day and I have a dog and no children.
Now I’m not saying that one day i wouldn’t like to move in with Martyn, and get married and have children but I want that when we are ready not because society is putting a time limit on things. And as you can see from my timeline I pretty much do what I want when I want anyway, but i can’t see any pubs or any horse riding lessons in the future.
I talk about my boyfriend a lot in blogs so I thought I would do a mini interview so you could maybe get to know what I have to put up with.
Occupation: Senior Facilities Manager
What is one word you would use to describe yourself?
Competitive (after being told three times he couldn’t use ‘f***ing awesome’)
What gross/unhygienic things do people do that bothers you?
Not showering everyday, it takes ten minutes to get clean, just get a wash!
Oh and people who don’t wash their hands after going to the toilet.
What habits do you have that annoy other people?
Erm, people say that I’m a wind-up merchant? Will that do?
When you were a kid, what did you want to be?
A Power Ranger.
I’ve been suffering lately with some anger issues. I spent tonight with my friend ranting and moaning and to be honest I was quite glad she felt the same. Now let me tell you, I do not get mad about rational things, oh no. I get mad at irrational things that should just skim over my head.
So here are ten things that are making me irrationally angry at the moment:
That was like therapy! Felt so good getting all that off my chest. Please help me out and let me know that I am not the only one that gets angry over stupid things like this? Leave a comment!
Martyn will start you all off, he gets irrationally angry when I forget what I’m about to say.
This weekend I am running 10K in Yorks Race for Life.
SIX POINT TWO!
Thats a lot of running. Thats six Humber Bridges. I’m 0.4 miles from running the same distance of how high aeroplanes fly! (Standard flights fly at 6.6 miles of altitude)
Okay so I’m going to stop with the dramatics now.
Now I’m going to take you on a little trip down memory lane to year 6 sports day. I was a pretty chubby kid.
(I’m a pretty chubby adult but at school it was more noticeable).
And I really struggled with PE but I won one race. I remember my mum clapping and seeing a glint of shock horror in her eyes.
“SHES WON! SHES WON!” I could hear her cry.
Now this was the last activity of the day. It was a race where you had to balance a bean bag on your head and run to the finish line. And my mum had put my hair in a high ponytail that day. A high ponytail that just so happens to be the perfect shape for balancing a bean bag. I won by default because the beanbag did not fall off my head!
Fast forward a couple of years to Year 9 sports day. I had been asked to do a shot put and the relay race. Why? I have no idea. But they put me first in the relay race, purely so they could make up my time. And shot put? Don’t think I even got one metre.
Needless to say I am not the most athletic person but thats why this race means so much to me. I want to show people how much I am willing to put myself out in order to raise money. I have taken a leaf out of Martyns book, who last week threw himself off a 150 ft ledge for a bungee jump to raise money for OddBalls a testicular cancer charity.
The good thing about me running this 10k is that I will get claps all the way round the course (from my thighs!) and I get a cheat meal at the end of it. And of course so far (as of 06-07-17) I have raised £185 for cancer research.
I’m so proud of myself and grateful to everyone that has sponsored me. I promise I will not let you down and I will complete this race even if I do have to walk it/crawl it and it takes me until Christmas!
I am pretty gutted there isn’t some cheat like the bean bag race…
If you would like to sponsor me the link is to the page is HERE…. CLICK ME!
I am always trying to aspire to be more than what I am. The problem I seem to have is nothing is ever good enough, I want something, I get it, and then I want more. But I am trying my upmost to feel satisfied with what I have and make sure that I don’t rush and wish my life away. So that was my inspiration for this blog.
This is my reverse bucket list.
I have SOOO much I want to achieve but instead of wanting and hoping and wishing I’m going to take a step back and appreciate what I have already accomplished.
There is still so much that I want to do and achieve but I feel as though I have achieved a lot in my 24 years of life. Its really nice to take a step back and think about all the things you have done because it can be so easy to get caught up in what you want to to do and forget that you have actually already done so much with your life. Keep your eyes peeled I’m sure I will post my bucket list soon haha! Looking back has just made me want to do more!
I read so many different lifestyle blogs and all I do while I’m reading them is feel inadequate.
Especially make-up, hair and beauty blogs. Now don’t get me wrong I love make up tips, hair style advice and I love learning new techniques but I just cannot afford those products!
I work full time, but I live by myself and only have my income which goes on rent, bills and food. The little money I have at the end of the month tends to go in a saving pot for a holiday next year with my boyfriend.
I have been using the same mascara since Christmas. I know thats gross and before you all start with how I’m gonna get an eye infection ra ra ra. It’s not dried up so I’m still using it! I buy foundation from B&M for £3.99 or if I’m feeling flush I will get a Rimmel foundation for £6.99 if its on offer. I have absolutely no idea what that clear serum stuff people apply to there face before make up so I’m currently using a £3 primer I bought from an outlet store.
Anyway the point I’m trying to make is when I go out and do my make up I don’t feel ugly, I feel really nice which means that you don’t need the best of the best to look amazing.
The best thing I could suggest investing in is Maybelline Superstar 24H Setting Spray. It costs about a fiver and it really does ensure your make up stays in place all day. The only thing I would suggest is you shake it really well before use because I sprayed it and went out and it had left white powder all over my face! My fault though as it does state on the spray shake very well before use. (Oops!)
Anyway back to the point, don’t be fooled into buying really expensive make up, it might be a good product but make up is not an essential and you can have just as nice make up without making yourself poor for the rest of the month.
Today I am restarting my slimming world journey. I cannot recommend Slimming World enough it’s just that I sadly thought I had beaten the diet and didn’t need one anymore but unfortunately I don’t have the metabolism or active lifestyle where I can eat whatever I want.
Now I am not blaming Martyn one little bit but since I have been with him I have put on a stone and a half. We have been eating out, going on days out where there has only been fast food and generally just enjoying ourselves.
A few weeks ago he started back on his diet and started going to the gym more and now it is time I do the same.
So here are my starting photos.
They are a hell of a lot better than my starting photos back in 2015 when I was at my heaviest but I still need to get at least two stone off so I feel comfortable.
I have a few milestones that I want to hit for certain times.
For example it’s Martyn’s sisters engagement party in three and a bit weeks and I’d like to be half a stone down for that! And then another half a stone down for the end of august. Then I will only have another stone to go. The problem with me is that I never hit my target weight at slimming world but I’m really hoping this time I can reach my target weight and stay there!
I’m also going back to my old ways and making a milestone reward chart! I love this because it really gives me something to aim for.
I’m so insecure and the problem is I am the only one who can do something about it. Anyone who has ever struggled with their weight knows that the worse part is finding the motivation to just make that first step, and then kept it.
I have kicked the smoking habit, and now I need to kick the bad eating habit because I am so so close to being the person I want to be.
My mum is always so supportive and makes me feel like I can do anything I put my mind too and Martyn reminds me constantly that what I see in the mirror is not what he sees, but I know that I need to do something to make me feel better about myself.
So today is the day no more excuses! I have made a slimming world quiche which is so so tasty, cannot believe I forgot about them.
Half a tub of fat free cottage cheese
Half a tub of Quark
and whatever filling you want
Mix everything up, spray fry light in the dish and bang in the oven for 20 minutes. Voila!
Well thats it for tonight but I’m going to try and post updates regularly and maybe a few different recipe ideas I’m trying! Always new stuff going on at slimming world! Heres hoping this time next yearI will actually be a target member and look and feel a lot better.
I went to see a medium last week and it was exactly as I had hoped it would be.
Now if you don’t believe in this sort of thing you can probably stop reading now because it doesn’t matter what I say you aren’t going to believe it! It really is a personal experience that I recommend everyone do at least once.
I wasn’t fully a believer and I needed to know that what she was saying was real so I never gave her any information about me so she couldn’t Facebook me or google me or find out anything about me.
I walked in and immediately felt calm and comforted. The room was decorated in purple with a thick cream pile carpet and a sofa with fur throws. I sat with the lady who was going to do my reading and she asked if I had brought an object of significance with me. I was mad because I really wanted to take in my Grandads hankie but I couldn’t find it in the morning so instead I took in his Nokia 3310 which still had his voice mail on.
She sat with the mobile in her hand for a little while and eventually looked me in the eye and said “63 is no age to die” For her to get something so right spooked me but also validated that my Grandad was still around me.
My Grandad and I were very close. My first memory is running up his drive to see him, and then washing his car on Saturday afternoon. He came to live with my mum and I and he really was my best friend. He was exactly what you would hope a Grandad would be. He loved carpentry and had a workshop and would make me whatever I wanted. He built me and my cousin dolls houses, and would build little ramps for me to ride my bike down. He wasn’t a great cook, so when my mum was at work he would cook beans on toast in his special way (two round of toast, one piece cut into triangles that went on the side of the plat and the other cut into tiny squares and the beans poured on top).
She went on to say lots more things that confirmed she was not making this up. She told me that my grandad was with his mum and gave me the name Mona which was his mum’s name. Also told me he was with a fluffy dog who had passed. My dog spot had passed away and he never really got over the death of my Grandad. My mum and I went on holiday with my mum’s partner and his kids to Florida when I was 12. We said goodbye to my Grandad at about 3am and headed to Manchester airport for the holiday of a lifetime but on the third day of our break my Grandad died. 63 years old and no explanation as to why. His heart just stopped beating.I can tell you that somedays I still feel as sad as the day I found out. I truly miss him every day.
So that’s why I wanted to visit a medium. She told me that my Grandad was proud of my new career and with that I started crying. All I ever wanted was to make him proud and for her to say that, it made me feel like I had achieved every goal I’d ever set out to do. She told me things that brought back memories like drinking pretend gin and tonic with him, and reading books with him.
Once she had told me everything she could about my Grandad she started talking about me. About my decisions, my future and things that I should watch out for and be careful of. The first of those things is she said I was in a new relationship and that I have to accept the love that he gives me (much to my boyfriends amusement) and that he is a good man. (I happen to agree with her.)
She also told me I need to learn to say no more which is definitely a trait I feel that I am lacking, and told me that I need to tell my mum to “plant the rose bush again”. Well I told my mum and this weekend she has been planting rose bushes next to my Grandads tribute just in case!
So yeah, I think that some people do have a gift and even if she was bluffing it was really nice to hear. And sometimes you just need a little reassurance that you are on the right path and you are making someone proud.